Okay… I went to Zumba the other day… danced my po po off.. sweated til I was drenched.. ahhhhhh can you say 800 calories burned??? oh yeah baby (even if I do low impact!) I normally stand near the side but today my skinny friend (love her!) wanted to stand in the middle so we could see the instructor better… okie doke… BIG MISTAKE.. the instructor was right in front of us but so was the mirror.. ugh.. I work SO HARD in that class.. I do everything I can but I do it low impact.. I don’t spin due to plantar faciitis in my right foot that’s really been acting up and doing turns aggravates it … but other than that – everything. Then.. I caught many glances of myself and I looked.. well.. .sigh.. like i wasn’t trying at all!!! If the instructor does a move where we bend over at the waist I feeeeeel as if I’m bending way over but in the mirror?? I’m not.. if she does a big move like kick her leg up .. I feeeeeeeeeel as if I’m a flippin rockette!.. uhhhh not so much.. I was so discouraged by the end of the class the tears just started to flow.. yes.. on the dance floor.. uh huh.. right there.. and lemme tell you i am not a pretty crier! my eyes get immediately red (to match my red as a beet face!).. my nose unbelievably gets even more red.. I’m scrubbing at my face with the sweat towel.. but I can’t hide it from my skinny friend (love her!)… then the questions begin.. what happened? are you alright? did you pull something??.. no no, I’m fine, I hiccup. I try to explain but all I can get out is I AM TRYING!!! I guess it must not have been as clear as I heard it in my head cuz she leans closer looking very frightened “you’re dying?? are you having chest pain” (uhhh she’s a nurse).. I look up at her and just completely lose it!! GREAT, now I look like someone having chest pain??? We move off the floor to the equipment room while I calm myself.. honestly.. get a freakin’ GRIP! several minutes go by (and by several I mean about 10!!) I’m finally getting under control when more skinny people (god love em) come in and start getting mats, and blankets and blocks… huh?.. my friend starts up a conversation with one of them.. ohhhhh yoga.. uh huh.. my friend convinces me that a good class of yoga is just what I need to restore my good nature, get rid of some obvious stress I’m carrying around and “center myself”. Center myself?? R U KIDDING ME?? But I agreed.. sorta. she got my mat, my blanket, my block and laid it down while I just sorta stared numbly around me.. Now, I ask you.. only a skinny person could think like this… I have just had a complete emotional breakdown because I am working my po po off in Zumba but it looks like I’m barely trying.. I’m comparing myself to all the others in the class (who range in size quite a bit).. and now my skinny friend (love her?) wants me to go to a yoga class to get “centered” while all around me are more skinny people who can tie themselves into pretzels??? HUH??? (skinny logic at its best there!)
I have never… and I do mean never.. felt more out of place.. the first move is eorihshango (yeah I didn’t know what he said either).. but it looked simple enough – stand straight and raise your arms over your head.. no no your feet should be shoulder width apart.. no no do not pull your shoulder blades up.. no no don’t quit breathing.. no no rotate your hands towards each other.. OH COME ON!!! I’m beginning to get “that” feeling again… I’m standing out.. I’m looking silly.. I can’t even stand right?? seriously??? and then I caught another glance at myself in the mirror – my face was HYSTERICAL.. it looked like a big black cloud ready to drop a ton of water and throw a lightening bolt at two or three people while it rained on their parade! Suddenly, I found the whole thing humorous.. uhhmmm VERY humorous.. and I started to laugh at the absurdity of it all.. all these very very fit women.. clearly in their 20s… standing with there arms over their head.. all serious and quiet.. except from the snorts coming from me!… and it hit me.. I have every right to be here or at Zumba… not only every right but I had more of a NEED to be there… is it just a coincedence that skinny people are in yoga class whereas I rarely see them at Golden Corral?? I don’t think so!! Did I really think at 5’11”, 280 with red hair and I’m NOT going to stick out?? HELLOOOOOO.. and suddenly the mood lifted.. I had regained my confidence.. My strut was back… My swagger restored.. oh yeahhhh I’m doing YOGA BABY YOGA!! LOL I attempted every move.. some successful.. some uhhhh not.. but i did the best *I* could do.. I pushed myself.. I didn’t look at anyone else.. I just gave it *my* best… and ya know what?? I feel better. Most people my size were still home in bed or lying on the couch eating.. not me baby.. I did an hour of Zumba followed by an hour of Yoga. WHOA I FEEL GREAT!!!
However, I was starvingggg.. so I got home and made myself a salad with chicken breast, fresh corn off the cob and pluots (part apricot part plum),topped it off with some olive oil and rice wine vinegar and FEASTED while I congratulated myself on a very productive morning! YEAH ME!!
So, I’m thankful for my skinny friend (love her!) and her skinny logic! I’m thankful that I have a body that can move the way I mostly want it to (LOL). I’m thankful that my mind is set on getting healthy. I’m thankful that I’m making the right choices most of the time. I’m thankful that all 5’11”, 280lbs of me stands out in a crowd. My swagger is back! But mostly, I’m thankful that I am DONE! Battle On!